Ever been in a situation where you have had an argument with a friend, partner, sibling, parent, colleague or even boss, and you are literally feeling incredulous that this person is arguing that 'black is white'? (Visual)
Perhaps within the same argument you are aware that this person doesn't even seem to be understanding what you are saying and it is 'falling on deaf ears'. (Auditory)
Frustrating huh? 
Here's the kicker... it's likely that the other person believes exactly the same thing about you. This equals two frustrated people arguing about nothing anyone understands and getting nowhere...fast! What an incredible waste of time and energy.

We all have more dominant ways of taking in information; learning and communicating with our senses so to speak. So let's say your partner prefers a more auditory approach, his language is likely to be using words like 'listen, you're not hearing me.' Perhaps you are more kinesthetic, so you may say 'I feel like you don't care, I'm not comfortable with this.' Which just confuses the hell out of them! What language are you even speaking?? I don't understand what you're on about! Understanding your partner's, or indeed work colleague's,  dominant way of taking in information and communicating with others is so important for harmonious and stress-free relationships.

So here are...

The 8 keys to communicating for success:

1) Know the positive outcome that you want
Focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want automatically changes your unconscious language. 
2) Believe you can achieve your goal - your unconscious language and behaviour will do the rest
If there is doubt pay attention, write it out until you have identified what that doubt is, or until it is gone.
3) Communicating from a place of negative emotion or limiting belief is not going to get what you want (most likely it will get you exactly what you don't want).
If you feel guilty you are likely to deliver your message defensively. If you know you have nothing to feel guilty about you will need to address where this is coming from i.e are you communicating with someone who is not supporting your self worth, or do you have old learnt guilt that needs to be removed? (See removing negative emotions HERE)
4) Be honest with yourself (and others)
Our story is not always reality. Of course it is our reality, but sometimes you may find yourself telling an old story that you no longer believe. What do you really want? Do you really lack confidence, or was that a younger you? Look for all the evidence that it is not true, rather than trying to back yourself up, and learn to accept yourself for who you are now...then you can be honest, with yourself and others.
5) Be flexible 
When you say 'I know' you are cutting off an opportunity to learn. Be flexible with your thoughts and goals, something better could be around the corner.  (Editors note: read more about 'I know' HERE)
6) Don't ask 'why' - it gives an excuse to compound belief and justify. 
Understand the intention or purpose (yours or the other person's) by asking 'for what purpose?' or 'what is your intention?'
7) Know your differences (Kinesthetic/visual - man/woman - adult/child - cultures)
If we were all the same life would be very boring. Love someone for their different ideas and experiences, accept that people are different. You won't always want to be around those who have very different values to you, and that's OK too...being negative about that or taking it personally will not get you anywhere though.
8) Say 'and' not 'but' 
'I know what you're saying but I think I am right' draws attention away from the first part of the sentence allowing the other person only to focus on the fact you think you are right...which will of course enrage them. By saying 'and' you are acknowledging that you understand another person's opinion, and you have a different view.

Sam Holman is a 'Guru of Brave'  and works with women to remove limiting beliefs and negative emotions that create unwanted patterns of behaviour. Sam runs a unique online coaching programme. Book your space here www.breakthroughtoyourbrave.info

Are you confident in everything you do? No? Perhaps there are some areas you have more confidence, but believe you are faking it, because deep down, you don't think you are confident at all... about anything!

I'm applying for jobs but getting nowhere, I'm going for interviews but I always just miss out, I want to apply for that job but I don't think I could do it, where are all my clients, all my friends have partners - why can't I find someone too, confidence can be off-putting..I don't want to look arrogant, I'm not really an angry person, it's such an ugly trait, I doubt that my friends/colleagues genuinely like me, am I really good enough to have this amazing relationship/job/life.... recognize yourself in any of these yet? I could go on.

As women we have been taught for a long time to focus on what is outside, cover up that lack of confidence with a touch of BB cream, hide the blushes with blusher, kick the quivering with a slick of lippy. What we wear and how we look helps us to 'feel' brave after all. Heck, I look good so I'll sound good, and before my mood changes with the season I'll just get a new outfit and I'll start again.

But what if we focused on what was going on inside and really dealt with it? It can be hard to do, like throwing away those old pair of jeans, we know they're not comfortable but we keep them anyway! Dare to peel back the proverbial layers and who is really bare nakedly you underneath that doubt? What is the real reason for the lack of confidence? Face this and you can face anything.

When you look inside now (I'm not talking years of navel gazing here) could you start to recognise the beauty inside of you, could you let yourself see all your positive resources, all your past successes and achievements, could you love yourself for both your strengths and your weaknesses, could you accept yourself for who you are today.  

You don't have to lose your favorite lippy completely, nor do you have to stop the retail therapy but what would happen if you did pay as much time, money and attention to your inside as you do the outside? 

The body, the hair, the clothes, the makeup, the nails, the accessories....would they matter so much? When you do, you can start to notice how you already have all that you need to get what you want and be both brave and beautiful without even having to try; think brave and beauty follows. 


Here's seven reasons why brave is the new beautiful -

1) Being vulnerable
In research done by Brene Brown, people who are vulnerable are more likely to find love, get career success and live life to it's fullest potential.
She says, "Vulnerability is basically uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few. " 
And entrepreneur Gay Gaddis says “When you shut down vulnerability, you shut down opportunity.”
(Taken from Forbes interview with Brene Brown - How Vulnerability can make our lives better)

2) Being honest
This is about being honest with others. Communication is key here, but not just any old communication. Communicating from a place of past disappointments, failings, hurt, anger, guilt is often not useful. The unconscious mind takes everything personally, so communicating to the average Joe about how you feel now, when how you feel is actually something you are bring in from your past, will mean average Joe listens and takes it personally which is going to get you exactly what you don't want, as opposed to what you want. 

3) Being authentic
This is about being honest with yourself - showing up as the person you are, no apologies. Linking in with the above, if you are carrying old beliefs or negative emotions, if you are telling an old story based on someone else's past experience, you will know, deep down, if it is not true. If it is not a problem, it's not a problem, but if you are getting the same results time and again, you'll know it can't be true. How can it be possible that all the good stuff, you created that... but the bad stuff, that's always someone else. Be honest with yourself, and if it's not working, change it so that you can be authentically you.

4) Embracing the negative emotions
Negative emotions are energy, and are just as important as positive emotions. The problem with most people is that they don't take the time to recognise them, and as negative emotions are four times stronger than positive emotions (just think about 'relaxed' and 'anger' for a moment - which holds most energy?) most people tend to carry the negative emotions and keep hold of them for a lot longer than is necessary. All emotions are feedback for you - ask yourself what is the purpose of them,  learn from them, decide how long you need them for, take action to help let them go if that's what is needed, and move on.

5) Loving yourself
It's been said before but let's face it, it is so true and worth saying again and again. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you. Acknowledging you can be a pain in the behind is one thing, if it's not a problem and you love your quirky ways, but if you are annoyed by your own moaning then why would someone else love you for it unless they too don't think much of themselves? This is both a possibility and a recipe for disaster. Always love yourself first.

6) Accepting and respecting yourself
Linking to the above, if you can be a pain in the behind in a relationship but accept that's part of you and actually you quite like keeping men on their toes or at a distance, then that's acceptance - finding a man who is going to accept that too is your goal but will be much easier. In work, if you don't respect yourself, or know your value, why would you expect someone to pay you for your services. By all means, if you want to do work for charity, or build a reputation in your business first, that's fine, but decide how long for, before you start charging what you are really worth.
When you accept, respect and love yourself, others will want to know why and you'll attract the right clients, friends, and partner.

7) Being happy with what you have
Lean in to gratitude and you will find joy. We now live in a consumer's society, where we all want the next big material thing and spending our salary is a drug that produces happy hormones, but like the money, it can soon run out. When we notice all that we have now, in this moment, even in a moment of extreme unhappy, we have life, we have love, we have support, we belong, we have the wonders of nature, the joy of laughter, the strength of character to know that tomorrow is another day, and we can do things better. When you notice every day, what you already have, your happiness and gratitude shines though and highlights the beauty that is you.

Be brave, be beautiful.

Sam Holman is a 'Guru of Brave' and works with women to unlearn old beliefs and behaviours so that they can attract all the right things to them and achieve their big life goals.  She runs a successful online coaching programme to help women breakthrough to their brave in 60 days. For more information and to book your space on the next course see www.breakthroughtoyourbrave.info 

Do feel free to comment and share your views on this post:

My friend eats cereal for dinner. Nuts? No, breakfast cereal! (Sorry couldn't resist!).  But cereal-ously (OK I'll stop now), some may question this crazy behaviour; breakfast is to be had at breakfast time and dinner is for dinner time right? It's the rule.

Hmm.

Following a pleasant morning of box ticking, I was heading home, coffee cup in hand, and popped into a charity shop to browse. I immediately spotted some bargains and arms full of things to try on I made my way to the back of the shop where I was stopped by a shop assistant who pointed out the 'no drinking or eating' sign in the open doorway.  

"You can't have drinks on the shop floor," she said.
"Oh," I exclaimed. "Sorry." And at a loss as to what she wanted me to do, I replaced all my items on the rail, and left the shop.  

Surely an offer to leave my drink on the counter whilst I continued shopping would make more sense? Surely the rule would be better 'enter with drinks and food at your own risk, any damages must be paid for'. As it was, they missed out on a sale (and a charity donation) and having stopped the reckless rule  breaker/potential customer the assistant merely turned back to what she had been doing without thought.

Health and safety rules I get, rules to ensure we can all get along and live happily in society I understand, but some rules seem to be there just to stop us from living our best lives, and are there to 'control'.  These rules do not always make sense to me, and quite often, we are responsible for placing these kind of rules on ourselves.

Ever said any of these....'I can't...', 'I shouldn't...', 'I should...', 'I really must...', 'I have to...' Ever felt in conflict between what you want to do and what you feel is possible? What rules are you putting on yourself (and/or others) that stops you from living your best life?  Rules can be important, they can serve a purpose, and often the ones we  put on ourselves reflect our inner values, but what about the ones we put there because of limiting beliefs or the need to 'feel' in control?

Here are some common examples (with possible translations):
 I can't ask him out (I don't love myself)
 I can't commit (I'm scared of failing)
I can't change jobs (I'm not good enough)
I must worry about something (I have no control)
I shouldn't eat that (I am unattractive)
I have to do everything myself (I lack trust)

If you find yourself placing rules on yourself, ask yourself what the intention for them is, and allow yourself some degree of flexibility, after all, some rules really are made to be broken.

I'd love your comments. What rules do you think need to be broken (in society or personally)? Want to get out of your own way and break your own rules to breakthrough to your best life....contact me HERE

One thing I have noticed in my bid to stay inspired is what happens on Facebook. Every week I spend time going through posts of people I follow, watching inspirational videos, reading psychological articles, and comparing myself to other people's businesses. Hang on, what??

Comparison, as they say, can be the thief of joy - and despite being aware of this, it can still creep up and bite you on the behind. Let's face it, Facebook is good for so many things, but can also be an over-indulgence to see what friends, people we used to know and other businesses are doing better than us.

Remember though, that Facebook gives us the opportunity to crop our lives, to cut out the negative and hide the bigger picture. How honest are we really being? How authentic are we being by posting only the good pictures and posts? (Of course who really wants to have friends who post negative rant after negative vibe - eugh!) 

But if you are looking at other people's posts and wishing you could be that beautiful, funny, inspiring, active, thin, in love, independent, successful etc I am wondering who you think you are to believe you are not? 

To accept and love ourselves in the first step to living authentically, to be honest with ourselves about who we are is the biggest challenge many of us face, and to do this is the bravest thing you can do, because when you can do that, then you can achieve all that is perfect for you, at exactly the right moment.

I saw these 15 landmarks zoomed out recently and love the fact that the bigger picture can be just as enlightening as the snippet we choose to show the world.

If you'd like some support in identifying and embracing the real you so that you can get clear on what you want and achieve your big goals with confidence contact me for a chat today.

People often ask me the above question and I am momentarily floored. This is not a good look for business, but what's fab about a breakthrough is that when you have them, you forget that you were ever in that place where you needed one. 

So let me explain. You know the moment when the sun breaks through on a cloudy day, where you see the light at the end of the tunnel, where you feel euphoria at your sense of achievements? I digress... how about when a chick has been tapping away at his shell in his bid for growth and freedom, the fresh air hits his tiny beak and he can finally relax, or when you get that light bulb moment and a sense of clarity? OK, I'm off again...

The fact is, a breakthrough is whatever it is you want it to be. Do you feel that life is a little foggy and you could do with the sun on your face? Do you feel you have been tapping away on something for an age, feel exhausted and think you're getting nowhere? 

Don't take it from me, my clients know exactly what I am talking about when they have their breakthroughs...

"I contacted Sam and she started me on her ‘breakthrough’ programme.  Today I can positively say a breakthrough is exactly the right word.  A lot of the opening of eyes and dawning of positivity. gradually lifting of barriers, feeling better and better every day.  But there was definitely a ‘click’ moment where the path of progress, change and positivity started feeling like the obvious choice every day."  

Hope that answers that question.

If you are ready for your breakthrough, whether dreaming big or taking first steps, let me support you. 
I offer various ways for you to have your own breakthroughs, from one to one work to online programmes. Contact me TODAY to see how I can support you to breakthrough and get what you want.

Have you ever felt like you are 'blagging' your way through life? That at some point someone will find you out and it won't be pretty? This is commonly referred to as 'imposter syndrome' - when you, ironically enough, feel like an imposter in your own life.  

When I worked the 9-5 I felt like a fraud quite regularly, often wondering when I would finally get the sack and imagining the sigh of relief when I got discovered. No more pretending, no more having to look like I know what I am talking about, finally outed to being the fraud I was.

When I set up my own business this feeling went along with the belief that I wasn't good enough, but I started with some support in the form of my own personal breakthrough and I soon realised that the feeling is with many people, from all walks of life, employed or not. This is often a link to a limiting decision at the unconscious level but having a conversation with a friend recently we talked about how she was doing what she loved, more than anything else, and not only that, but people were PAYING her for her opinion, which she often found amazing. 

So many people believe that what they know is what EVERYONE knows, so it's common knowledge, it's easy, why would anyone pay you for it?? The problem is that what is 'common sense' to you, may not be so common. Maybe what is less common is confidence, confidence to take what you know and charge money for it.

When I took the leap from employment to self-employment I remember people asked me what I was going to do, where was I going to go... they were incredulous at the idea of taking a leap with no safety net. "But, what if it doesn't work?" they'd say. One even said to me, "you're not supposed to enjoy work though are you?" Some where along the line we learnt that we don't get paid for what we love to do, work is supposed to be hard, boring, difficult, challenging.... we roll our eyes at the idea of work, we don't wake up excited and we definitely don't get paid loads of money for something we find easy... or do we?

A friend of mine worked really hard in an administration role, and with every opportunity put herself forward for promotions, even though she didn't think she was qualified for the roles. Eventually she was noticed as a go-getter, ambitious and passionate about the company she worked for and within a matter of months she was one of the companies top earners. Now she says she feels bad that sometimes she works from home and does her washing and shopping instead of the work she is getting paid for (on other occasions she works evenings and weekends without payment) - the simple fact is, she finds what she is doing now so easy and can't believe the salary she gets for it, thereby worrying that she gets too much for not doing enough.

Perhaps the feeling of 'imposter syndrome' is a way to give you feedback, perhaps you do need to deal with an underlying belief that you are not good enough or don't deserve it (or some other limiting belief that can be just as stressful) and on the other hand, perhaps you have worked hard to get there, and perhaps the knowledge, talent and skills you have are simply everything that someone else needs. 

Perhaps you are pretending to be someone that in fact, you already are.

Need help getting aligned? Perhaps you want to identify your natural talents? Contact me today to find out how I can help.

A self-fulfilling prophecy is a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it is already true. Some call this The Law of Attraction (see, for example, Rhonda Byrne’s 2006 self-help book The Secret), but there’s really nothing mystical about it.

NLP is effectively the manual for the mind, noticing how thoughts affects language, which affects our behaviour, and gets us what we inadvertently set out to achieve. Confused? Let me give you an example:

I used to go into a party situation with dread, what will people think of me, how can I leave early, I have nothing interesting to say...I'm not confident! Of course I would go into the party with this belief and thoughts, stumble my way through the party and look for opportunities to leave and getting exactly what I expected..that was my reality. Now I go into parties wondering who I will meet, knowing I am good with people, and my language and behaviour give me a completely different outcome. So which one is reality? Whichever I choose.

There is a saying 'fake it until you make it' and there is a lot of truth in that saying (ironic huh?).  It's a great way to create a new habit and break old cycles that are no longer serving you. Personally I think if you are faking it for too long this can be stressful and you are not genuinely buying into the belief that you want to adopt (see Time Line Therapy for a good alternative to DIY). 

Perhaps you know someone who says that they are not good at networking or selling their business, they always fall apart when they have to give presentations, take exams or go for interviews, perhaps this is even about their personal lives, how many people do you know who say relationships don't work, or they keep getting the same type of man...aka the wrong type? 

My advice, if you have noticed a pattern in a certain area of your life, start to notice your thoughts, pay attention to what you thinking and what you are consequently getting. Are you happy to be proving yourself right, or is it time to change those old results now?

If you think it is time for change, remove those old beliefs and move forward to get what you really want and you would like to have a chat to find out how you can have your own personal breakthrough CONTACT ME today.

Do feel free to comment and share - what patterns do you notice in your own life?

I have a confession to make, and I almost feel that I have to swear you to secrecy. OK, here it comes...I am having a love affair, with myself. Yep, I said it, I love myself... and (despite it being a bit of a dirty secret) I'm proud of it too. I have one life to live and without this attitude I don't think it would be half as good as it is.

Let me explain - in love, I want someone to take care of me, to say nice things to me, to occasionally treat me and make me laugh, I like a listening ear and someone who can give good advice, who doesn't give me a hard time if I sometimes ignore that advice, and say I told you so. Someone who understands me and forgives me if I mess up, and someone who accepts that I am not perfect, but knows my imperfections kind of make me perfect. 

See all those things I just said... I give that to myself (even the making myself laugh, and yes I do look like a bit of a nutter sometimes, and no, I don't care).

Today is the most romantic day of the year, or so we are told by those fabulous marketing agents. Most of us know that Valentine's Day is commercial rubbish; let's face it, if you love someone you shouldn't be depending on one particular date to kick you up the back-side to pull some romance out of the bag.  Yet there are still many singletons that will be dreading it... I know, I used to be one of them. But before you dismiss me as one of those sickly reformed characters who has now found 'the one' and is skipping into the sunset trying to get everyone else loved up and married off too, let me explain.

I will spend this valentine's day on my own...just as I have for the last few years, the biggest difference is my improved relationship with myself. So if you want to find the greatest love of all this valentine's day, take Whitney's advice, and find it inside of yourself.

                                                            Be brave, be beautiful

Want a better relationship with yourself? Book your place on the 'Breakthrough to Your Brave' online coaching programme NOW. Starts 17th March and is only for those people who want to have the confidence and support to go for what they really want, be it in business or in your personal life, learning tools to remove negative emotions so that you are free to notice opportunities such as fab relationships, improved careers, and making more money along the way!! SPACES LIMITED so book yours NOW -www.breakthroughtoyourbrave.info

Ever felt lonely, despite the ability to connect to others at the touch of a button? Internet dating, Facebook friends and smart phones connecting us to the world 24/7 can lead us into a false impression that we are connected, we are not alone, but is this way of communicating really that good for us? It seems that many of us don't make time for real relationships, instead 'liking', 'commenting' or conversing with people we may never even meet. We can do this in an instant, and we don't have to schedule in time from our busy lives. If we do connect with others in real time we may also run the risk of having to tell...wait for it...the truth!! Or worse, have nothing to say at all, because the truth is, we don't make time for anything but work...and Facebook!

In today's society, as we connect by looking at the best of what others choose to show us, we would be forgiven for comparing ourselves to others and feeling like we aren't quite good enough, and as time goes on we are in danger of forgetting all the things that we do have to talk about. Our anxiety around having a real conversation and indeed, from being real...stops us from reaching out, from saying, you know what, life isn't so great right now, and actually, I could do with a hug (a real one). I wonder if you did, would you find others who feel and think exactly the same things as you?

Brene Brown did an amazing talk on the power of being vulnerable, where she talks about a piece of research that she did that changed her life WATCH IT HERE. If you don't have time, she talks about the importance of connecting. She says "connection gives purpose to our lives" and what underpins that is vulnerability. She found that the people who have a stronger sense of love and belonging believe they are worthy of connection, and those who have that sense of worthiness fully embraced vulnerability and believe that what made them vulnerable was what made them beautiful.

So pick up the phone, call someone, and talk.... really talk. I am all for looking at the positive, but if you are masking something that needs to come out, you have to acknowledge that to deal with it.

                                             Be brave, be beautiful.

Have you ever found yourself going round and round in circles, having the same conversations and getting the same tired results? Have you vowed this year will be different? Well keep reading!

In a *survey done last year only 1 in 4 of 3000 interviewed was confident to maintain his or her resolve, and statistics show that most have given up by day 9 (that's 3 days away!).  But note, the key word here - confidence. People were asked this question before the New Year had even kicked in, and 3 out of 4 didn’t believe then that they would succeed. *http://www.express.co.uk/news/uk/294421/How-most-New-Year-resolutions-end-today

So here are the top 4 mistakes that people make when setting goals:

1)      Write down your goal and take a look at it. Is it focusing on what you want…or on what you don’t want? When I work with clients I always ask them what they want to achieve by utilizing a coach, and almost without exception they spend ten minutes telling me what they don’t want, so I ask them again, and they look at me, confused by the crazy who is just repeating the same question. You must focus on what you want, but many focus on what they don’t want. So here’s the thing, if I say, I don’t want to smoke any more, what do you have to think about? Yep, smoking. Our brain needs direction, and where attention goes, energy flows, so if you are thinking more about what you don’t want, than what you do, then that is most likely what you will get.

2)      Mistake number two is that people are not really clear, hence are not creating a compelling goal. Let me explain. Perhaps you say you want to lose weight, or get a new job, or find a partner…quite often people state they just want to be happy, or more successful, or more positive or more confident. My question then is, so that you can do what? When you get more specific you allow yourself to get excited, which is motivating you to start looking for opportunities and take the action you need to take. If you are having difficulty getting really clear, it may be because there is a limiting belief or fear at a deeper level that is stopping you. You need to learn what is holding you back and how to unlearn those old beliefs. So check your goal – how detailed is it, do you have a date of when you want to achieve it by, do you have a picture of what that looks like, and how will you feel when you get it?

3)      Mistake number three, is that people don’t make their goals a priority. They tell everyone this is what they want, but do nothing to make it happen. Why? They’re too busy with other things, other people, other goals, work, fun, Facebook, sleeping. If your goal is not your priority, there is a chance you won’t get it. Shift you to the top of the list to get what you want, now…which leads to mistake number 4.

4)      The goal is not for you. What I mean is, it is based on things you feel you should do, rather than what you really want to do. Let’s say you really, deep down, have always wanted to do more creative work, but you are going for promotion in the accounting firm you have been working in for the past ten years. You are comfortable in this job, and the next logical step is going for that promotion, so your goal for the new year is to get that promotion. But you don’t really want it. Maybe at some level you are doing it to make your parents proud, somewhere along the way you picked up a belief that you cannot make money by being creative, maybe you are doing it because you think your partner wants you to bring in more money, but maybe that belief just comes from you, for example, if you had more money you’d have more self worth or your partner would value you more? If you are not doing it for you, if it doesn’t match your values and beliefs at a deeper level, then you may find that you sabotage your chances of success, without realising it.

Have you recognised any of these patterns of behaviour so far? *When you identify the steps you need to take to get really focused and clear on what you really want for you, you can gain clarity and identify what has been holding you back, so that you can overcome it and get what you want. 

                                                                         Be brave, be beautiful.

I'd love your comments and do feel free to share - what is your goal for 2014?