Ever been in a situation where you have had an argument with a friend, partner, sibling, parent, colleague or even boss, and you are literally feeling incredulous that this person is arguing that 'black is white'? (Visual)
Perhaps within the same argument you are aware that this person doesn't even seem to be understanding what you are saying and it is 'falling on deaf ears'. (Auditory)
Frustrating huh? 
Here's the kicker... it's likely that the other person believes exactly the same thing about you. This equals two frustrated people arguing about nothing anyone understands and getting nowhere...fast! What an incredible waste of time and energy.

We all have more dominant ways of taking in information; learning and communicating with our senses so to speak. So let's say your partner prefers a more auditory approach, his language is likely to be using words like 'listen, you're not hearing me.' Perhaps you are more kinesthetic, so you may say 'I feel like you don't care, I'm not comfortable with this.' Which just confuses the hell out of them! What language are you even speaking?? I don't understand what you're on about! Understanding your partner's, or indeed work colleague's,  dominant way of taking in information and communicating with others is so important for harmonious and stress-free relationships.

So here are...

The 8 keys to communicating for success:

1) Know the positive outcome that you want
Focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want automatically changes your unconscious language. 
2) Believe you can achieve your goal - your unconscious language and behaviour will do the rest
If there is doubt pay attention, write it out until you have identified what that doubt is, or until it is gone.
3) Communicating from a place of negative emotion or limiting belief is not going to get what you want (most likely it will get you exactly what you don't want).
If you feel guilty you are likely to deliver your message defensively. If you know you have nothing to feel guilty about you will need to address where this is coming from i.e are you communicating with someone who is not supporting your self worth, or do you have old learnt guilt that needs to be removed? (See removing negative emotions HERE)
4) Be honest with yourself (and others)
Our story is not always reality. Of course it is our reality, but sometimes you may find yourself telling an old story that you no longer believe. What do you really want? Do you really lack confidence, or was that a younger you? Look for all the evidence that it is not true, rather than trying to back yourself up, and learn to accept yourself for who you are now...then you can be honest, with yourself and others.
5) Be flexible 
When you say 'I know' you are cutting off an opportunity to learn. Be flexible with your thoughts and goals, something better could be around the corner.  (Editors note: read more about 'I know' HERE)
6) Don't ask 'why' - it gives an excuse to compound belief and justify. 
Understand the intention or purpose (yours or the other person's) by asking 'for what purpose?' or 'what is your intention?'
7) Know your differences (Kinesthetic/visual - man/woman - adult/child - cultures)
If we were all the same life would be very boring. Love someone for their different ideas and experiences, accept that people are different. You won't always want to be around those who have very different values to you, and that's OK too...being negative about that or taking it personally will not get you anywhere though.
8) Say 'and' not 'but' 
'I know what you're saying but I think I am right' draws attention away from the first part of the sentence allowing the other person only to focus on the fact you think you are right...which will of course enrage them. By saying 'and' you are acknowledging that you understand another person's opinion, and you have a different view.

Sam Holman is a 'Guru of Brave'  and works with women to remove limiting beliefs and negative emotions that create unwanted patterns of behaviour. Sam runs a unique online coaching programme. Book your space here www.breakthroughtoyourbrave.info

Are you confident in everything you do? No? Perhaps there are some areas you have more confidence, but believe you are faking it, because deep down, you don't think you are confident at all... about anything!

I'm applying for jobs but getting nowhere, I'm going for interviews but I always just miss out, I want to apply for that job but I don't think I could do it, where are all my clients, all my friends have partners - why can't I find someone too, confidence can be off-putting..I don't want to look arrogant, I'm not really an angry person, it's such an ugly trait, I doubt that my friends/colleagues genuinely like me, am I really good enough to have this amazing relationship/job/life.... recognize yourself in any of these yet? I could go on.

As women we have been taught for a long time to focus on what is outside, cover up that lack of confidence with a touch of BB cream, hide the blushes with blusher, kick the quivering with a slick of lippy. What we wear and how we look helps us to 'feel' brave after all. Heck, I look good so I'll sound good, and before my mood changes with the season I'll just get a new outfit and I'll start again.

But what if we focused on what was going on inside and really dealt with it? It can be hard to do, like throwing away those old pair of jeans, we know they're not comfortable but we keep them anyway! Dare to peel back the proverbial layers and who is really bare nakedly you underneath that doubt? What is the real reason for the lack of confidence? Face this and you can face anything.

When you look inside now (I'm not talking years of navel gazing here) could you start to recognise the beauty inside of you, could you let yourself see all your positive resources, all your past successes and achievements, could you love yourself for both your strengths and your weaknesses, could you accept yourself for who you are today.  

You don't have to lose your favorite lippy completely, nor do you have to stop the retail therapy but what would happen if you did pay as much time, money and attention to your inside as you do the outside? 

The body, the hair, the clothes, the makeup, the nails, the accessories....would they matter so much? When you do, you can start to notice how you already have all that you need to get what you want and be both brave and beautiful without even having to try; think brave and beauty follows. 


Here's seven reasons why brave is the new beautiful -

1) Being vulnerable
In research done by Brene Brown, people who are vulnerable are more likely to find love, get career success and live life to it's fullest potential.
She says, "Vulnerability is basically uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few. " 
And entrepreneur Gay Gaddis says “When you shut down vulnerability, you shut down opportunity.”
(Taken from Forbes interview with Brene Brown - How Vulnerability can make our lives better)

2) Being honest
This is about being honest with others. Communication is key here, but not just any old communication. Communicating from a place of past disappointments, failings, hurt, anger, guilt is often not useful. The unconscious mind takes everything personally, so communicating to the average Joe about how you feel now, when how you feel is actually something you are bring in from your past, will mean average Joe listens and takes it personally which is going to get you exactly what you don't want, as opposed to what you want. 

3) Being authentic
This is about being honest with yourself - showing up as the person you are, no apologies. Linking in with the above, if you are carrying old beliefs or negative emotions, if you are telling an old story based on someone else's past experience, you will know, deep down, if it is not true. If it is not a problem, it's not a problem, but if you are getting the same results time and again, you'll know it can't be true. How can it be possible that all the good stuff, you created that... but the bad stuff, that's always someone else. Be honest with yourself, and if it's not working, change it so that you can be authentically you.

4) Embracing the negative emotions
Negative emotions are energy, and are just as important as positive emotions. The problem with most people is that they don't take the time to recognise them, and as negative emotions are four times stronger than positive emotions (just think about 'relaxed' and 'anger' for a moment - which holds most energy?) most people tend to carry the negative emotions and keep hold of them for a lot longer than is necessary. All emotions are feedback for you - ask yourself what is the purpose of them,  learn from them, decide how long you need them for, take action to help let them go if that's what is needed, and move on.

5) Loving yourself
It's been said before but let's face it, it is so true and worth saying again and again. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you. Acknowledging you can be a pain in the behind is one thing, if it's not a problem and you love your quirky ways, but if you are annoyed by your own moaning then why would someone else love you for it unless they too don't think much of themselves? This is both a possibility and a recipe for disaster. Always love yourself first.

6) Accepting and respecting yourself
Linking to the above, if you can be a pain in the behind in a relationship but accept that's part of you and actually you quite like keeping men on their toes or at a distance, then that's acceptance - finding a man who is going to accept that too is your goal but will be much easier. In work, if you don't respect yourself, or know your value, why would you expect someone to pay you for your services. By all means, if you want to do work for charity, or build a reputation in your business first, that's fine, but decide how long for, before you start charging what you are really worth.
When you accept, respect and love yourself, others will want to know why and you'll attract the right clients, friends, and partner.

7) Being happy with what you have
Lean in to gratitude and you will find joy. We now live in a consumer's society, where we all want the next big material thing and spending our salary is a drug that produces happy hormones, but like the money, it can soon run out. When we notice all that we have now, in this moment, even in a moment of extreme unhappy, we have life, we have love, we have support, we belong, we have the wonders of nature, the joy of laughter, the strength of character to know that tomorrow is another day, and we can do things better. When you notice every day, what you already have, your happiness and gratitude shines though and highlights the beauty that is you.

Be brave, be beautiful.

Sam Holman is a 'Guru of Brave' and works with women to unlearn old beliefs and behaviours so that they can attract all the right things to them and achieve their big life goals.  She runs a successful online coaching programme to help women breakthrough to their brave in 60 days. For more information and to book your space on the next course see www.breakthroughtoyourbrave.info 

Do feel free to comment and share your views on this post:

Ever been in a place where your working day has been better spent in a day dream? And in that dream you are doing all the things you'd love to do but probably couldn't get paid to do.  Then reality seems even harsher when you snap out of it and are faced with feelings of frustration, anger, annoyance, perhaps guilt and sometimes what feels like physical pain.

Now it's time to sit in a meeting where you'd rather chew your own ears off than listen to the pointless points being made, or you look at the pile of paperwork and can no longer make a fun game out of trying to get it all done in a day, perhaps the mere sight or sound of your boss makes you want to scream in a really irrational but oh so releasing way. Perhaps you feel a little dead inside, or maybe worse, your stomach seems to be alive with creepy crawly anxiety ants on a daily basis, and your mouth is continuously dry despite the constant flow of tea or coffee you're drinking just to keep you awake (or give you something else to do).

You ask yourself daily, surely there is more to life than this, and although there may be a small voice inside shouting 'YES!' the louder rational one says, 'well, maybe, but you have looked at jobs and there was nothing, and remember that time that one job did come up, they didn't even reply, let's face it, there's a recession, jobs are hard to come by, I'm probably not experienced enough for what I'd really like to do anyway...' And the little voice that shouts 'YES!' gets drowned out by all the reasons why it's just not possible.

According to *research 'three out of five people in the UK want to change their job but are held back by lack of cash or the right skills.' But as you sit at work and think about your reasons for putting yourself through this everyday, are they really real, or actually is it that you are holding yourself back by fear?

From the same research taken from 3'000 UK workers, some of the top dream jobs include, a writer, a photographer, working for a charity, a musician or singer, a sports trainer, an actor, journalist, racer and artist.

It seems people are searching for purpose, and  want a way to turn passions in profits, yet  you only have to pick up a paper to back up your belief that you can't do it...jobs are still being lost, people are still more experienced than you or perhaps the kind of job you want just doesn't exist. Well think again my friend.

When you look for information to back up your belief you will find it, let's face it, doom and gloom is comfortable and safe; you can't be disappointed at the bottom. But today dare yourself to get out of that uncomfortable so-called comfort-zone to take one small step - simply look for people who have done it. 

Perhaps you think no one has done what you want to do, well have you ever heard of these jobs?

Face feeler - checking that beauty products do what they say, so feeling the softness of models faces.
Gumologist  - basically testing chewing gum, some days are literally spent chewing gum all day.
Waterslide tester - break times include roller coasters and candy floss!
Sommeliar - You must know your wine for this one...hardship!

Stop with the excuses!

To do what you want to do you must start with the belief that you can, so go surround yourself with people who are doing it, read their biographies, follow them on Linkedin (do not follow them down the street), network with people who you admire...

OR you can go for a drink with everyone from the office after work, and complain about the boss, the amount of work, the ethos and (lack of) company values, and as you buy another round, remember to mention that you just can't afford to do what you really want to do.

                                                      Be brave, be beautiful (and go get your new courageous career)

Sam is a qualified careers adviser and is passionate about changing the views of people who think a plan B is necessary (if you really need one decide how long you'll be in it whilst you work on plan A), she is also now trained as a Master NLP coach and works as a 'Guru of Brave' helping women unlearn what has held them back in the past. Get her free e-book full of tips to go from scared to successful HERE.

Comments always welcome:

My friend eats cereal for dinner. Nuts? No, breakfast cereal! (Sorry couldn't resist!).  But cereal-ously (OK I'll stop now), some may question this crazy behaviour; breakfast is to be had at breakfast time and dinner is for dinner time right? It's the rule.

Hmm.

Following a pleasant morning of box ticking, I was heading home, coffee cup in hand, and popped into a charity shop to browse. I immediately spotted some bargains and arms full of things to try on I made my way to the back of the shop where I was stopped by a shop assistant who pointed out the 'no drinking or eating' sign in the open doorway.  

"You can't have drinks on the shop floor," she said.
"Oh," I exclaimed. "Sorry." And at a loss as to what she wanted me to do, I replaced all my items on the rail, and left the shop.  

Surely an offer to leave my drink on the counter whilst I continued shopping would make more sense? Surely the rule would be better 'enter with drinks and food at your own risk, any damages must be paid for'. As it was, they missed out on a sale (and a charity donation) and having stopped the reckless rule  breaker/potential customer the assistant merely turned back to what she had been doing without thought.

Health and safety rules I get, rules to ensure we can all get along and live happily in society I understand, but some rules seem to be there just to stop us from living our best lives, and are there to 'control'.  These rules do not always make sense to me, and quite often, we are responsible for placing these kind of rules on ourselves.

Ever said any of these....'I can't...', 'I shouldn't...', 'I should...', 'I really must...', 'I have to...' Ever felt in conflict between what you want to do and what you feel is possible? What rules are you putting on yourself (and/or others) that stops you from living your best life?  Rules can be important, they can serve a purpose, and often the ones we  put on ourselves reflect our inner values, but what about the ones we put there because of limiting beliefs or the need to 'feel' in control?

Here are some common examples (with possible translations):
 I can't ask him out (I don't love myself)
 I can't commit (I'm scared of failing)
I can't change jobs (I'm not good enough)
I must worry about something (I have no control)
I shouldn't eat that (I am unattractive)
I have to do everything myself (I lack trust)

If you find yourself placing rules on yourself, ask yourself what the intention for them is, and allow yourself some degree of flexibility, after all, some rules really are made to be broken.

I'd love your comments. What rules do you think need to be broken (in society or personally)? Want to get out of your own way and break your own rules to breakthrough to your best life....contact me HERE

I recently went into a coffee shop where school children had been encouraged to write poetry in a specific format. The idea was to consider those around us as they sit alone at a cafe and write about what they are dreaming of. Interestingly the eight year olds continuously hit on two main themes; love, and money.

It made me wonder what we are really teaching the next generation; after all, to imagine what others are thinking, you mind read and must put your own thoughts in their voice;  so our children often think what they have learnt, be that from parents, teachers or the media. 


For them to have in their own minds that when people sit alone they are dreaming of wealth or worrying about money, that they are wanting more or stressing about their lack, would indicate they have heard this somewhere before, because really, can an eight year old actually worry about these things?

Other themes were around a better job, a bigger house, having friends... only one wrote from a child's perspective, of a boy who had it all, but dreamed of helping the poor. 

Some time ago I posted a question on my Facebook page, asking what advice people would give to their younger self in only two words and there was a common theme; be brave; be confident; be yourself; accept yourself and so on. Yet according to the many young people I work with, their elders are not following their own advice. Young people are making career choices based on their parents' and teachers' experiences, and they are scared; scared of making mistakes, of not earning enough money, of being unhappy, stuck or stressed out, of constantly being tired at the end of the day, of being bored at work, of being alone or of failing.

But this is not a lesson on parenting as such, perhaps more a lesson in parenting yourself. If we were all to imagine we had a child inside of us, that we were in fact parenting a younger self, would you talk to yourself the way you do? Would you make different choices? Would you take greater risks and leaps of faith? Would you encourage yourself to notice all that you are good at? Would you praise yourself for your achievements at the end of each day? Would you notice all that you have and get creative with your resources? Could you be brave/confident/accept yourself?

So my ultimate question to you is; what are you teaching your 'inner' child?

If you are dreaming about more, but are not sure how to get what you want, contact me today to find out how I can support you to reach your full potential and get out of your own way. Comments welcomed:

People often ask me the above question and I am momentarily floored. This is not a good look for business, but what's fab about a breakthrough is that when you have them, you forget that you were ever in that place where you needed one. 

So let me explain. You know the moment when the sun breaks through on a cloudy day, where you see the light at the end of the tunnel, where you feel euphoria at your sense of achievements? I digress... how about when a chick has been tapping away at his shell in his bid for growth and freedom, the fresh air hits his tiny beak and he can finally relax, or when you get that light bulb moment and a sense of clarity? OK, I'm off again...

The fact is, a breakthrough is whatever it is you want it to be. Do you feel that life is a little foggy and you could do with the sun on your face? Do you feel you have been tapping away on something for an age, feel exhausted and think you're getting nowhere? 

Don't take it from me, my clients know exactly what I am talking about when they have their breakthroughs...

"I contacted Sam and she started me on her ‘breakthrough’ programme.  Today I can positively say a breakthrough is exactly the right word.  A lot of the opening of eyes and dawning of positivity. gradually lifting of barriers, feeling better and better every day.  But there was definitely a ‘click’ moment where the path of progress, change and positivity started feeling like the obvious choice every day."  

Hope that answers that question.

If you are ready for your breakthrough, whether dreaming big or taking first steps, let me support you. 
I offer various ways for you to have your own breakthroughs, from one to one work to online programmes. Contact me TODAY to see how I can support you to breakthrough and get what you want.

We spend about 57% of our waking lives at work during a working life of about 46 years. Phew!That's over half of our lives, but for many this feels like a lot more when you spend the weekend dreading work, long hours commuting to work, not sleeping at night as you worry about work, and not forgetting the overtime (which many of us are no longer getting paid for). 

Expectations from employers are getting higher, and stress rates in employees are going up with them.

The job search can create a fair amount of anxiety, fear and vulnerability in people, and I often work with clients to remove those emotions so they can better understand how these factors may be keeping them stuck in their current careers. Through coaching, you can reasonably expect to gain career confidence, insight, encouragement and inspiration. You should also feel as if the coaching relationship grants you some permission to relax a bit. 

If you are doing something you really, truly enjoy, it shouldn’t feel like work at all (many still believe that you are not supposed to enjoy your job - who says!?) Ideally, you should feel a sense of alignment between your work and your values.  It’s only in that space of overlap—which may or may not relate to your sense of purpose in the world—that a genuine sense of career gratification or fulfillment becomes possible. If you want a job that brings fulfillment, then aligning your work with your values is essential. If you already derive fulfillment from work, then your work is probably already an extension of your values.

If you are someone who has been feeling for a while that there is something more for you out there, but you are not sure what, or you know but you are afraid to take the leap unsupported, let me help you.

As a qualified career's adviser and 'Guru of Brave' I work with clients to identify their key transferable skills, fine tune professional CV's, and unearth their true career desires giving you clarity and confidence to go for what you really want.

If this sounds like something you are interested in please contact me or make a 15 minute appointment (available to book on the 'contact page') so we can talk about how you can move forward and tailor your next steps with me. Just follow the link and CONTACT ME NOW for a no-obligation chat.

Whether you want the perfect career, relationship, lifestyle, or family there is always the same thing getting in the way...you! Yes whether it's just out of reach, you almost had it, or you had it and lost it there is one common denominator. 

So let's look at career for now - 

You may think you don't know what your perfect career is. Maybe that's because your perfect career doesn't exist - yet?

Maybe you think that you can't get paid what you need to earn in your perfect career?

Maybe you think you're not supposed to get paid for doing what you love?

How about these... I'm not experienced enough, I don't have the right qualifications, I don't know where to start, it's not realistic, I'm not special enough...why would anyone pay ME to do that? Not confident enough, not clever enough, not blah blah blah blah blah!

You get my drift.

As mock exams and real ones are kicking in in schools all over the UK young people are feeling the pressure of decision time, and are struggling to find their purpose - what is it all for? What if I make a mistake? Can you remember that time, being lost and confused, people giving you their opinions on what you can do with your skills - which path did you take back then? The safe one...or are you still searching for your path? 

Take a look at this visual on the left, detailing the paths of five self-made millionaires. Is where you are now today a stepping stone towards what you really want, or are you stuck in your plan B and growing roots from standing still too long? 

Many young people I work with want to know what they can do as a back up plan. At the age of 17 I wonder where they get the idea that they need one? Yes there is competition, labour market statistics may not be in your favour but the minute we give focus on the negative and what we can't do instead, we lose focus of the dream.

So at some stage in our lives we have a look around and don't recognise the path we have lead ourselves up. Perhaps we don't feel valued, satisfied, or happy, perhaps we don't think we have respect from our boss, or are frustrated that we are not utilizing our skills.

So first of all, let's get real. Nothing is perfect, (that's what makes it perfect) and your reaction to that is everything. How you feel is feedback - what are you telling yourself? 

Is it time to take that leap and create that career for yourself, or do you simply need to take a fresh perspective and see all that this route has and is giving you? Is it really your boss who needs to show you some respect, or are you putting blame outside of yourself and it's you who needs to respect yourself?

Whatever the answers are, know that you cannot bullsh*t yourself...but you can breakthrough to your brave!

Sam Holman runs online coaching programmes to help support people get clarity and confidence to go for what they really want. Find out more at www.breakthroughtoyourbrave.info

Do feel free to comment and share:

A self-fulfilling prophecy is a belief that comes true because we are acting as if it is already true. Some call this The Law of Attraction (see, for example, Rhonda Byrne’s 2006 self-help book The Secret), but there’s really nothing mystical about it.

NLP is effectively the manual for the mind, noticing how thoughts affects language, which affects our behaviour, and gets us what we inadvertently set out to achieve. Confused? Let me give you an example:

I used to go into a party situation with dread, what will people think of me, how can I leave early, I have nothing interesting to say...I'm not confident! Of course I would go into the party with this belief and thoughts, stumble my way through the party and look for opportunities to leave and getting exactly what I expected..that was my reality. Now I go into parties wondering who I will meet, knowing I am good with people, and my language and behaviour give me a completely different outcome. So which one is reality? Whichever I choose.

There is a saying 'fake it until you make it' and there is a lot of truth in that saying (ironic huh?).  It's a great way to create a new habit and break old cycles that are no longer serving you. Personally I think if you are faking it for too long this can be stressful and you are not genuinely buying into the belief that you want to adopt (see Time Line Therapy for a good alternative to DIY). 

Perhaps you know someone who says that they are not good at networking or selling their business, they always fall apart when they have to give presentations, take exams or go for interviews, perhaps this is even about their personal lives, how many people do you know who say relationships don't work, or they keep getting the same type of man...aka the wrong type? 

My advice, if you have noticed a pattern in a certain area of your life, start to notice your thoughts, pay attention to what you thinking and what you are consequently getting. Are you happy to be proving yourself right, or is it time to change those old results now?

If you think it is time for change, remove those old beliefs and move forward to get what you really want and you would like to have a chat to find out how you can have your own personal breakthrough CONTACT ME today.

Do feel free to comment and share - what patterns do you notice in your own life?

Do you wake up in the morning feeling excited and wondering how you can make your day even better? Or do you start dreading your day the night before, and wake up wishing you could go back to the dreams you live in your sleep?

Recent studies indicate one in two people feel unhappy with their jobs (and don't do anything about it) and if you suspect you might be one of these people I love this quick quiz to find out if you are a grump (along with some suggested tasks and tips to start making small changes:

The simple fact is that many choose paths unsuitable to them, their skills, and their learning styles right back from leaving college.  Why would they make these choices? Fear! (Whose fear is a whole other question). Young people have already learnt the meaning of making mistakes by the time they are sixteen, as they 'regret' not choosing other subject options at the age of thirteen. At sixteen the pressure is really on, and they know that they couldn't possibly follow their dreams, because the chance of getting them are so slim, the competition so fierce, so the focus goes on the Plan B.

I recently had a conversation with an actor, not a famous one, but a happy one, who was mixing his love of acting with performing, directing and teaching. We discussed a young person who had convinced me that there was no point in following his dream and studying drama since it was so difficult to succeed in it. I wondered if Brad Pitt had said/done the same thing and I was reminded that when we focus on a fall back, we generally do.

The problem back when we are younger is that we don't really know what we want to do; the options are so huge but the ideas are still very narrow as many are only aware of the more common professional roles available. Add to the mix the desire to make money/be independent and we gravitate towards jobs that make sense as a natural, well-trodden by many before us, pathway and start climbing that ladder and focusing on the next milestone.

Perhaps to start with, you want a better day, and unlearning old habits and noticing all the good in your day is a great start, but if you really want to make a difference, ask yourself; what are you really complaining about? Is it time to make a bigger change and be true to who you really are now?

                                                             Be brave, be beautiful

Please feel free to comment and share. For more information see 'Programmes and Workshops'