​A few years ago a friend told me during a catch up that her son, aged 4, had told her, when I grow up I want to be a giraffe. There were no recent giraffe references, nor were there any giraffes (toys or otherwise) in the room.  Her response, quite naturally, was that he couldn’t be a giraffe because this is an animal, and he is a boy – language and limitations learnt in one foul swoop. I started to wonder what his response would have been if she’d have asked him why?
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I’ve been a careers adviser and coach for over fifteen years, as well as working in communities and with private clients I work in schools and I am in the unique and, I think, privileged position to talk one to one with every single student in a school by the time they have reached 16; I talk to them about what motivates them, what they are afraid of, what they want to improve and what they want to achieve.  I have worked in areas of deprivation and areas of influence, and every young people predominately share the same feeling at one time or another…the feeling of not being confident to take the route that they have previously considered. During a workshop with high achieving post 16 students, the entire year group admitted to being scared of making the wrong choice with reasons for that fear ranging from it being the wrong university to it having a detrimental effect on their entire long-term happiness and existence. Recently a student I was working with told me I sounded like a Ted talk, so I applied for their 2019 'Reflect, Rethink, Reboot' event and was lucky enough to be short-listed and attended a workshop for speakers. This is what I am most passionate about:

When we reflect on our younger selves, we often don’t connect the dots as to who we were and who we are now but what motivated us then, our values, natural skills, interests and talents may well still be the same, or similar. I work with anyone from 15 to 50 plus; one story I love to reflect on is of a 60-year-old who wanted to change from the charity sector to being a comedian. Almost without fail a client will refer to their school days as having been the point where they changed their minds, and with it, their course in life. Having dreamt his entire young life of a creative career he took a safe route and regretted it. There’s a famous study done by a palliative nurse on the regrets of the dying, the top 5 included working too hard and choosing a life that others expected of them. Many of the people I work with already have that regret, they are not waiting until the end of their life to make changes and are looking to rethink their career path; studies show a massive 37% of people are not happy in their job in the UK, it could be worse, in the US it’s almost 60%.

When I’m working with a client, no matter their age, I often start with the question, what did you want to do when you were younger? Not only is it a way to take the pressure out of the now, but it allows us to remember a time we thought about careers more freely, and very often, the motivation behind the past ideas based on a knowledge of very few careers, can link to now. For example, a little boy who wants to be a superhero, may then want to be a police officer, may then end up being someone who gives people advice on housing. The link is a caring nature, and perhaps that boy will end up being someone’s hero, even if it is not as obvious and certainly, he may not know it.

What I want to do is change the world’s perception on what is possible… starting with us. The language we use, the opportunities we share, the actions and behaviours we present have the strongest influence on young people. The media are only just starting to change out dated adverts of women doing the child care and men fixing the house, during a recent study, girls, who, following a question on ‘tell me about yourself’ would identify with themselves via their looks and relationships, are now redefining themselves by now identifying in a similar way to boys, by sharing their skills and interests first.  Things appear to be changing, but at ground level, the biggest influencers are parents, carers, family, friends and teachers and the young people still have the same obstacles – a 15 year old I once met wanted to be a marine biologist, her face lit up when talking about science but she had already opted for accountancy and business because ‘it would be too hard to have a family as a marine biologist’, I’ve met too many students who were thoroughly depressed because they were trying so hard to become a doctor or lawyer, but academia was not their strength, the grades would simply not be met and the belief that they were not good enough was growing ever stronger, all because of unrealistic cultural expectations that could have been redirected to create an army of amazing, caring and practical people making a difference in their own way. I have met a fifteen year old boy who wanted to become a barber but was taking the academic route towards engineering because otherwise his friends would laugh at him – I’m grateful to say this one did follow his passions, but an hour with me is generally not enough to follow dreams when outside of my office is a world that says we should be doing something else. What society are we creating to put this pressure on young people, the society where we work hard to get a good job to buy a home and have a family? We need to recognise that life has changed and our aspirations may not be those of our next generation.
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I could get political here, I could talk about social mobility, about funding cuts to schools, about how creative subjects are being taken off the curriculum whilst emphasis is put on English, Maths and Science. But I won’t mention all that. We can create change and reboot as a nation, we simply need to reflect on how we communicate, with ourselves first and foremost, we can have results or reasons and every time we point fingers we have three pointing back at us. What we tell the next generation is important, ask them why and tell them they can, then find a way. Language used with young people that can install beliefs and behaviours, beliefs that can have the power to create or the power to destroy.  Let’s get creative, remember the time when our imagination was used for joy and play, rather than control and anxieties? If we, as adults, can get back to that, then we can redefine what is possible for ourselves and recreate our story and in doing so, reboot the possibilities for our future generation.

Please feel free to comment or get in touch to find out more and if you want to follow the #giraffedreams project you can find me on Instagram @holsamlife

Not!

But the other day I met someone who told me she had taken the leap, and there were people she was leaving behind at work who thought it was a stupid idea.

"What?" I said incredulously (this is my word of the week - use it, it's great!)
"Well," the brave heart said, "there are loads of people who have said they think it's great but I am leaving this amazing job to go and study, so that means I won't be earning a regular income."
"Good," I said, "and you have obviously worked out that you can make it work financially, and it's the best thing for you at this time, and you are thinking of all the extra income you will get when you have that qualification and confidence to live your dream life....so who has come up to you and said it's a stupid idea??" I said, still incredulous.
"Well...er, no one has actually said it, but they haven't congratulated me and I just know they think it."

Oh.

Firstly, when you think you know what someone else thinks (I don't care how well you know them) - you don't know! That is your thought that you have to think to imagine someone else is thinking it - make sense?

Thinking someone believes that leaving your job is a stupid idea has come from your fears. Now, negative emotions or beliefs or decisions made at an unconscious level are there for good intentions, so don't go getting all angry at yourself for having them. In this instance, the decision had already been made, so the unconscious belief which presented itself as a thought in someone else's head (much easier to digest if it's them not you right?) is there to protect you, to remind you to make sure you have a plan in place. 

BUT, if that thought is keeping you where you are, in a job you don't want to be in, dreaming of a life you do want, feeling frustrated, angry, or sad, then you are giving in to fear and buying into a limitation that is holding you back. By the way, if someone actually does voice to you that 'it's a stupid idea', simply thank them for their feedback.

Feedback is not always about you and is certainly not as negative as you might first believe...this could be their desire/their fear, or it could be born from love - they want to make sure you are going to be OK and you've thought it through. It's worth deciding what their feedback is all about, don't spend too long on it, but once you have decided what works for you, then move on. If you think it is from a place of their fear and is tapping into yours simply say DELETE, DELETE, DELETE.

If you are worrying about what other people think, you are thinking it... won't it be better when you focus on you, on what you really want, on the positives in your day, in every bit of feedback you can be grateful for, and in all the resources you have to go for what you want today.

And if someone does voice what you think they're thinking, you can deal with that then, and be in a much more positive and resourceful state.

Be brave, be beautiful.

Sam Holman is a Guru of Brave, working with women to unlearn unwanted beliefs and behaviours to gain clarity and confidence to focus on what they really want. As a qualified careers adviser she can help you make that career change and remove any self doubt along the way too. She offers a unique brave bootcamp, an online coaching programme to breakthrough to your brave. Find out more - www.breakthroughtoyourbrave.info

Ever been in a situation where you have had an argument with a friend, partner, sibling, parent, colleague or even boss, and you are literally feeling incredulous that this person is arguing that 'black is white'? (Visual)
Perhaps within the same argument you are aware that this person doesn't even seem to be understanding what you are saying and it is 'falling on deaf ears'. (Auditory)
Frustrating huh? 
Here's the kicker... it's likely that the other person believes exactly the same thing about you. This equals two frustrated people arguing about nothing anyone understands and getting nowhere...fast! What an incredible waste of time and energy.

We all have more dominant ways of taking in information; learning and communicating with our senses so to speak. So let's say your partner prefers a more auditory approach, his language is likely to be using words like 'listen, you're not hearing me.' Perhaps you are more kinesthetic, so you may say 'I feel like you don't care, I'm not comfortable with this.' Which just confuses the hell out of them! What language are you even speaking?? I don't understand what you're on about! Understanding your partner's, or indeed work colleague's,  dominant way of taking in information and communicating with others is so important for harmonious and stress-free relationships.

So here are...

The 8 keys to communicating for success:

1) Know the positive outcome that you want
Focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want automatically changes your unconscious language. 
2) Believe you can achieve your goal - your unconscious language and behaviour will do the rest
If there is doubt pay attention, write it out until you have identified what that doubt is, or until it is gone.
3) Communicating from a place of negative emotion or limiting belief is not going to get what you want (most likely it will get you exactly what you don't want).
If you feel guilty you are likely to deliver your message defensively. If you know you have nothing to feel guilty about you will need to address where this is coming from i.e are you communicating with someone who is not supporting your self worth, or do you have old learnt guilt that needs to be removed? (See removing negative emotions HERE)
4) Be honest with yourself (and others)
Our story is not always reality. Of course it is our reality, but sometimes you may find yourself telling an old story that you no longer believe. What do you really want? Do you really lack confidence, or was that a younger you? Look for all the evidence that it is not true, rather than trying to back yourself up, and learn to accept yourself for who you are now...then you can be honest, with yourself and others.
5) Be flexible 
When you say 'I know' you are cutting off an opportunity to learn. Be flexible with your thoughts and goals, something better could be around the corner.  (Editors note: read more about 'I know' HERE)
6) Don't ask 'why' - it gives an excuse to compound belief and justify. 
Understand the intention or purpose (yours or the other person's) by asking 'for what purpose?' or 'what is your intention?'
7) Know your differences (Kinesthetic/visual - man/woman - adult/child - cultures)
If we were all the same life would be very boring. Love someone for their different ideas and experiences, accept that people are different. You won't always want to be around those who have very different values to you, and that's OK too...being negative about that or taking it personally will not get you anywhere though.
8) Say 'and' not 'but' 
'I know what you're saying but I think I am right' draws attention away from the first part of the sentence allowing the other person only to focus on the fact you think you are right...which will of course enrage them. By saying 'and' you are acknowledging that you understand another person's opinion, and you have a different view.

Sam Holman is a 'Guru of Brave'  and works with women to remove limiting beliefs and negative emotions that create unwanted patterns of behaviour. Sam runs a unique online coaching programme. Book your space here www.breakthroughtoyourbrave.info

Are you confident in everything you do? No? Perhaps there are some areas you have more confidence, but believe you are faking it, because deep down, you don't think you are confident at all... about anything!

I'm applying for jobs but getting nowhere, I'm going for interviews but I always just miss out, I want to apply for that job but I don't think I could do it, where are all my clients, all my friends have partners - why can't I find someone too, confidence can be off-putting..I don't want to look arrogant, I'm not really an angry person, it's such an ugly trait, I doubt that my friends/colleagues genuinely like me, am I really good enough to have this amazing relationship/job/life.... recognize yourself in any of these yet? I could go on.

As women we have been taught for a long time to focus on what is outside, cover up that lack of confidence with a touch of BB cream, hide the blushes with blusher, kick the quivering with a slick of lippy. What we wear and how we look helps us to 'feel' brave after all. Heck, I look good so I'll sound good, and before my mood changes with the season I'll just get a new outfit and I'll start again.

But what if we focused on what was going on inside and really dealt with it? It can be hard to do, like throwing away those old pair of jeans, we know they're not comfortable but we keep them anyway! Dare to peel back the proverbial layers and who is really bare nakedly you underneath that doubt? What is the real reason for the lack of confidence? Face this and you can face anything.

When you look inside now (I'm not talking years of navel gazing here) could you start to recognise the beauty inside of you, could you let yourself see all your positive resources, all your past successes and achievements, could you love yourself for both your strengths and your weaknesses, could you accept yourself for who you are today.  

You don't have to lose your favorite lippy completely, nor do you have to stop the retail therapy but what would happen if you did pay as much time, money and attention to your inside as you do the outside? 

The body, the hair, the clothes, the makeup, the nails, the accessories....would they matter so much? When you do, you can start to notice how you already have all that you need to get what you want and be both brave and beautiful without even having to try; think brave and beauty follows. 


Here's seven reasons why brave is the new beautiful -

1) Being vulnerable
In research done by Brene Brown, people who are vulnerable are more likely to find love, get career success and live life to it's fullest potential.
She says, "Vulnerability is basically uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few. " 
And entrepreneur Gay Gaddis says “When you shut down vulnerability, you shut down opportunity.”
(Taken from Forbes interview with Brene Brown - How Vulnerability can make our lives better)

2) Being honest
This is about being honest with others. Communication is key here, but not just any old communication. Communicating from a place of past disappointments, failings, hurt, anger, guilt is often not useful. The unconscious mind takes everything personally, so communicating to the average Joe about how you feel now, when how you feel is actually something you are bring in from your past, will mean average Joe listens and takes it personally which is going to get you exactly what you don't want, as opposed to what you want. 

3) Being authentic
This is about being honest with yourself - showing up as the person you are, no apologies. Linking in with the above, if you are carrying old beliefs or negative emotions, if you are telling an old story based on someone else's past experience, you will know, deep down, if it is not true. If it is not a problem, it's not a problem, but if you are getting the same results time and again, you'll know it can't be true. How can it be possible that all the good stuff, you created that... but the bad stuff, that's always someone else. Be honest with yourself, and if it's not working, change it so that you can be authentically you.

4) Embracing the negative emotions
Negative emotions are energy, and are just as important as positive emotions. The problem with most people is that they don't take the time to recognise them, and as negative emotions are four times stronger than positive emotions (just think about 'relaxed' and 'anger' for a moment - which holds most energy?) most people tend to carry the negative emotions and keep hold of them for a lot longer than is necessary. All emotions are feedback for you - ask yourself what is the purpose of them,  learn from them, decide how long you need them for, take action to help let them go if that's what is needed, and move on.

5) Loving yourself
It's been said before but let's face it, it is so true and worth saying again and again. If you don't love yourself, how can you expect someone else to love you. Acknowledging you can be a pain in the behind is one thing, if it's not a problem and you love your quirky ways, but if you are annoyed by your own moaning then why would someone else love you for it unless they too don't think much of themselves? This is both a possibility and a recipe for disaster. Always love yourself first.

6) Accepting and respecting yourself
Linking to the above, if you can be a pain in the behind in a relationship but accept that's part of you and actually you quite like keeping men on their toes or at a distance, then that's acceptance - finding a man who is going to accept that too is your goal but will be much easier. In work, if you don't respect yourself, or know your value, why would you expect someone to pay you for your services. By all means, if you want to do work for charity, or build a reputation in your business first, that's fine, but decide how long for, before you start charging what you are really worth.
When you accept, respect and love yourself, others will want to know why and you'll attract the right clients, friends, and partner.

7) Being happy with what you have
Lean in to gratitude and you will find joy. We now live in a consumer's society, where we all want the next big material thing and spending our salary is a drug that produces happy hormones, but like the money, it can soon run out. When we notice all that we have now, in this moment, even in a moment of extreme unhappy, we have life, we have love, we have support, we belong, we have the wonders of nature, the joy of laughter, the strength of character to know that tomorrow is another day, and we can do things better. When you notice every day, what you already have, your happiness and gratitude shines though and highlights the beauty that is you.

Be brave, be beautiful.

Sam Holman is a 'Guru of Brave' and works with women to unlearn old beliefs and behaviours so that they can attract all the right things to them and achieve their big life goals.  She runs a successful online coaching programme to help women breakthrough to their brave in 60 days. For more information and to book your space on the next course see www.breakthroughtoyourbrave.info 

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