When Triumph first contacted me to ask that I help launch their latest campaign and talk about some of the niggles that we deal with on a daily basis and how to fix them, I must admit it drove me to get a better bra. Strangely only a week before I’d been sitting in the park, feeling summery and sophisticated, picnicking whilst watching a brass band, and very ungracefully digging my strapless bra out from between my ribs. Like many I just accepted that it was part of being a woman. Women wear bras, bras can be uncomfortable, women put up with discomfort…let’s face it; we are often in conflict on the inside whilst trying to look good on the outside. We’re a strong bunch after-all, if we can deal with childbirth we can deal with a digging bra.

But why should we have to? If we have a problem, at what point do we decide to change it? Many wait for the niggle to turn into a bigger problem, like going to the doctor once every two years and using up every second of your ten minute slot with your long list of ailments that have worried you through the years.

As I discussed this event with friends they all agreed that strapless bras can be a pain in the behind; I know what you’re thinking, what kind of friends do I have that wear a bra on their behind, right? Joking aside, when us women have to look professional, or sexy, or composed and confident, or anything else we believe is expected of us in any given moment, digging a strapless bra out of our ribs does not fit in to the overall look we are going for – and yet we put up with it.

But what everyday things niggle you and what can you do about it moving forward in your everyday life? Triumph did a survey which suggested that women can have moments of irritation about the smallest things and can experience niggles up to five times in a day. A traffic jam when you’re already late (niggle  #3), a no smoking sign on your cigarette break, rain on your wedding day (#14) or a free ride when you’ve already paid – pretty sure I know a song about that! But isn’t it true when Alanis sang that song back in the 90’s we all laughed, because we could relate to it.

People say things like ‘that’s typical of my luck, that always or never happens to me”, and even, “these things come in three, that’s sods law, and that’s life.’ But what if I told you that’s not true? What if I told you that we get what we are focusing on… and more importantly, we can change it!

So you wake up in the morning and maybe you’ve had a bad night’s sleep, what’s your first thought of the morning? Awesome I can’t wait to get to work? Or is it more like ‘blah, crap it’s raining and I don’t want to get up, Simon in accounts is going to be on at me again, and I have so much to do.’  We effectively get what we expect, so start your morning by setting your intentions. If something does go wrong outside of your control how you decide to react to that is so important – if you decide that this means it’s going to be one of those days, you’re more likely to notice every time something does go wrong. So here is my #nigglefix number 1 - If you start your morning wondering how you can make it even better, you are giving your brain two instructions 1) the day is going to be good and 2) you are open to noticing opportunities to make it even better.

The human brain has to contend with 40 billion bits of information per second. We can’t deal with all of that, so we unconsciously choose 2000 bits to process and we delete A LOT of that information too!

So, turning the unconscious to the conscious is the second tip I would give you in making changes to be able to better deal with the small things that irritate us in any given day. 90% of what we do is done unconsciously, and our unconscious mind is the part that we all have, that once something becomes a habit, we can remember to forget about it. So for example, how many people here remember learning to drive? You get in the car and you are told to focus on the mirror, signal and manoeuvre, on top of that we have to coordinate our feet, remembering the right way around for the accelerate, brake and clutch and then we have to move our left hand to move the gear stick. That’s A LOT of information right? Chuck in the mix road rules and pedestrians and we wonder how we will ever learn to drive. Now you get in the car, and travel from A to B many times in a week, and some days you wonder how you managed to get in the car frantically running late, and get out with full make-up! Do you remember telling yourself to mirror, signal and manoeuvre? I doubt it….it’s a habit formed, you no longer need to think about it. So what else has become so much of a habit that you no longer need to think about. When did you decide that you were going to be irritated by rude people – is it really in the moment, or have you pre-programmed yourself to look out for them and be irritated?

To become more conscious of the everyday instructions we give to ourselves we can start by keeping a thought journal – for two weeks make a note of every negative thought that pops in your mind, and also notice the feelings that these thoughts create too.  Are there some days when you are more easily niggled than others? Is the missed train the real problem (#19), or is it that you hate your job and are dragging your feet to get there…which of course will inevitably make you late. Allow yourself to be conscious of what is really going on so you can change it easily.

My final niggle fix is another great writing exercise you can do at the end of each day. Keep a gratitude journal by the bed, and at the end of the day write at least three positive things that you are grateful for in your day. Even in your worst day, you can find something. So the rude know it all spoke over you again (#1), perhaps you can be grateful for your strength to stay composed. Looking at the resources you have to be able to deal with certain situations can create a massive shift in perspective within your mind and allow you to react very differently in the future.

We can choose to live at cause or at effect – when we are at effect we do things like get irritated and blame the traffic warden for not letting us off that parking ticket, but when we move over to cause we have much more power and can learn to laugh about it, live in the moment and accept that some things are out of our control, but we can learn from them, or leave them! Little things that niggle us is part of a much much bigger picture, so next time you find that frustration bubble up ask yourself what else is happening in your world to be so irritated by missing the bus, mr or mrs know it all speaking over you in a meeting, not having time for self (#9)…. and what can you do to change that? If you’re anything like Triumph, you’ll invent something new that we can all benefit from and pave the way to your own success.

Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its stress but empties the moment of its strength. Understanding what is behind the little niggles that bother you and dealing with them in the moment enables you to be in a much more resourceful state, allowing you to notice opportunities and laugh at perceived fails. When we are focusing on the car that cut us up, we don’t notice the hot guy in the next car over checking us out, when we focus on the know it all at work, we don’t notice the feedback we get from our conduct, when we think about having to stand under the armpit of someone on a packed bus, we don’t appreciate our ability to stand, when we miss the train in the morning, we aren’t learning how to be more organised. 

But we can.

Sam Holman is a Guru of Brave, teaching women to unlearn what is holding them back and removing negative emotions and beliefs (and niggles) so they can move forward freely and with complete confidence and achieve their goals.
Start now by unrutifying yourself HERE.

How many self-help books have you read on this subject? How many talks have you attended in an attempt to ignite that spark? To have the elusive light bulb moment, you know the moment where everything just clicks in to place, and you just know…this is it!

From a young there is a ‘pressure’ to find your thang. THE thing that is yours, and yours alone. The thing that means you wake up every day longing to do it, and have to force yourself to sleep at night because you are so busy in the throes of passion that is not of the bedroom variety. When you are really little you are allowed to dream. The adults ask ‘what do you want to be when you grow up?’ and you are allowed to say anything you want.

Of course your knowledge of what is available to you is limited to ‘unrealistic’ jobs, like an astronaut or pilot, actor, or dancer, to the traditionally ‘professional’ roles of a teacher, a fire fighter, a police officer, a doctor or lawyer. Whatever you say to your elders at this point is likely to be met with encouragement. This kid has ambition, they think, and who am I to crush their dreams with the harsh realities of working life…and if you were a really intuitive kid you may have noticed how they stared off wistfully into the nothingness of their old dreams, but probably you had already turned back to the amazing game you just made up, living the life of imagination and magic, owning a business, building forts or clubs, making perfume with roses, painting your next abstract number or writing a play.

Fast forward a few years and the pressure starts. The teachers say you must have an idea; you think you have no idea. Your parents are worried you’ll end up on the dole; you’re worried you’ll end up like them. Your friends all seem to know where they are going; you want to go and hide under the duvet.

Fast forward a few more years – you followed the traditional path, the path you ‘should have’ taken (according to those who came before you, instilling their fears of the harsh reality of life onto you). You did good, so why don’t you feel fulfilled? Why do you still think you are searching for that moment, the aforementioned light bulb moment?

The truth of the matter is that a career is anything you want it to be. Gone are the days of staying in one profession until you are retired for that gold watch photo opportunity, but with opportunities comes overwhelm. If you are feeling unfulfilled and restless, confused and frustrated it’s time to start getting clear…because this is definitely not the life you ordered when you were a child.

So here are three ways to find what you love…and do it.

1) Experiment – before you start with the excuses that include time and money, remember this, if it is important you will make the time and find the money. You know when you really need a holiday, or a car, or to pay that bill…you can fight it all you want, but the money comes, and the only thing you have done is create stress in getting it.

So, experiment. If there are things you love work out how you can start a ‘play’ project. Just for 30 days do something every day towards one thing of interest. In a year you would have experimented 12 times and be a whole lot clearer about what you like, and what you don’t like. Yes, this isn’t a quick fix, but the time will pass anyway – isn’t it better that it passes with you taking action towards where you want to be, than going round in circles in your head?

2) Ask people – ask the people who know you best to describe you in three words, and ask them what they think you are best at. Be prepared, whatever they tell you may include some surprises, so always say thank you – do not do this if you are not prepared to have feedback!

3) Reflect back and compare – as a general rule, comparison is the thief of joy, but that is information for you, so spend some time learning from it. Whose lives do you envy and why? What do they have that you want? Looking back, what did you love and not like so much/ downright hated in past employment, or even when you were day dreaming as a child; did you like to make, create, talk to people?

So above are three ways to find what you love…they are by no means the only ways, but they can help you gain clarity around what you love. The final step is yours to take and in the words of Nike, just do it! Pick one thing and give it 100%, give it the focus and commitment you deserve…yes, it may grow, develop and evolve into something else completely, but starting is key…so whether that is applying for jobs in a new area, or starting a new business, give it your all, explore it with curiosity and meet challenges with excitement. In the end, you will ignite your own spark.

Author: Sam Holman is a Guru of Brave working with women to unlearn what has held them back in the past to identify and go for what they really want in life with  complete confidence.  Find out how you can work together here.

Simple - labels matter. The language we use makes a difference, because our unconscious mind learns at a level that we don't always notice - but notice we do, and BOOM a habit is formed and our beliefs can both enhance or inhibit our actions and what we get in life.

The unconscious mind takes everything personally so labels we perceive as negative can be taken on as a child, impact our results as teenagers and when we become adults, can prevent us from going for what we really want...for fear of that old belief being recognised by many.

I was once in a room where there were both men and women, and the facilitator wanted to demonstrate how we make decisions. She asked that we organise ourselves in numbers according to who would 'go' first. We didn't know what we had to do but I said I was happy to go first. One of the men in the room muttered not so quietly under his breath 'the alpha female.' At the time I didn't think anything of it, I actually saw it as a positive, but I have since worked with women who would not even have volunteered for fear of such a comment.

These are usually the same women who want more confidence, but are afraid of looking arrogant, or of failing, or indeed of succeeding. 

At a recent Fortune Brainstorm Tech Marketing dinner, Sheryl Sandberg (Facebook, Lean In) took a moment to conduct an experiment in which she first asked the men in the room to raise their hands if they had ever been told that they were “bossy” at work. (A small handful did.) Then she asked the women. (About four times as many hands went up.)

“If you go to most business dinners in New York or San Francisco, most of the women in this room are used to being the only women in the room,” she said. “That’s what I want to change. That’s what we all want to change.” Joking that a bossy little girl has executive leadership skills isn’t something to chuckle about, she said. There should be as little humor in the thought as there would be for a bossy little boy. “That bias exists in all of us,” she said, “in men, in women, in me.” http://fortune.com/2014/10/01/sheryl-sandberg-brainstorm-tech-ad-week-2014/

Be brave, be you (tiful).

Sam Holman is a 'Guru of Brave' and works with women to unlearn what has held them back in the past to enable them to identify and go for what they really want with complete confidence.  Start identifying your uniqueness so you can get out of your rut and go for what you want with her free e-book and inspiring newsletters HERE.