"Arghhhhhhhhhhhh - I just CAN'T decide. It's impossible to decide, how will I know if it's the right decision?? What if _______(fill in the blank)________?" And this is the problem - what if?

Some times, making a decision can be difficult - yes. Impossible - no! Let's get real here, how can making a decision really be impossible?? I mean, it's your decision - you have the power. You are making it as difficult or as easy as you wish. I can ask you to pick a number between 1 and 10 and you can pick a number with ease - that's a decision. So what's the difference between that, and the decision you are now 'trying' to make?

The difference is the emotion and perceived (not real and scary) consequence you are giving to it. 

So if I asked you to pick a number between 1 and 10, and one of the numbers came with a prize of $250'000 - would that make the decision more difficult? Possibly, and yet there is no reason for that. You don't know which of the numbers has that monetary amount attached to it, but you may start being more aware of your 'gut instinct' or your unconscious (UCM) and conscious minds (CM).

Here's how the internal conversation might go -
Me (UCM) - number 10.
Me (CM) - no, hang on, that's too obvious, maybe I should go with 3, it's my lucky number.
Me (UCM)- 10.
Me - (CM) Let me think like the person who is giving the prize, they look like a lucky 7 kinda girl.
Me - (UCM) 10!!!!!
Me - (CM) OK, I'm going with the first thing that popped in my mind, er, hang on, 1?

(Hint: the number with $250'000 behind it was 10)

So now let's take a decision that may be more difficult still. One that has consequences for you and perhaps even for other people in your life. I once dated someone who couldn't decide whether to leave me...for THREE YEARS! OK, I stayed, that was me back then, but this was a painful decision not only to watch, but to be a part of. You could see the thoughts going round and round his head - should I stay....or should I go? What would happen if I stayed...what would happen if I left? Where is the grass greener? The simple fact is, the grass is greener wherever you stop and water it, and if you are questioning the smell of the roses that is usually your answer!

There is a massive degree of stress involved in not making a decision. You feel frustrated and unhappy, the same thoughts going round and round in your head, you may even add some extra options into the mix, just to make it even more complicated for yourself i.e. Shall I go for that promotion or look for a new job?......OR, I could run away and live like Robinson Crusoe for a year!! Shall I leave my relationship or stay and get counselling? ....OR I could start an affair with Maverick from I.T!! And for what purpose?

As long as you are not making a decision, you don't have to take that leap. And that leap looks scary right? I mean, who is going to catch you if you fall? What if ____________________?

To make a decision easily you just have to -
1) Make it. Just do it and be honest with yourself - can you really live like Robinson, or with the guilt of an affair?
2) Focus on the positive consequences that doing it will get you.
3) Be confident that it is the right decision for now - whatever else happens, you can learn from it.
4) Trust your unconscious mind. Ask yourself, what do I really want. The answer may scare you, but that is often a sign of what you really should be doing.

Get some extra help with the 'I don't know what I want (or I do but I am scared) e-book' request yours TODAY.

When I travelled across Australia I met someone who used to say "don't make your problem my problem." The fact he said it in a thick almost Arnold Schwarzenegger accent, seemed to make it even more profound, but now I think about that quote quite a lot, as I hear people I meet say things like 'can you help my (husband/partner/mother/friend etc) because he/she is so negative/does X all the time.'

Which begs a question - if they aren't asking then perhaps it's not a problem for them, so whose problem is it?

Let me be clear here. I know the good and caring among us want to help others; I am guilty of this and am only just learning to let it go if someone else is actually happy being miserable. You know the ones, the people who complain all the time about a job, but never leave (or even make the time to look for another position); the people who are upset with partners, but don't communicate their concerns with them; the people who say they are lonely, and then sit at home without picking up the phone to others who care; the people who feel uncomfortable with their weight and tell you their problems whilst eating another slice of cake; the people who want to win the lottery and don't play it, or just want more money, and make no effort to make it.

Your problem comes in when you 'try to help' them, and they appear to listen, they may even make the right noises, they agree with you, yes, they'll do something... and then they go all out and do a big fat nothing. Then whose problem is it? If you are now irritated, frustrated, angry, or even hurt by another then you are giving them the power, and you are the one with the negative emotions. They are uncomfortably comfortable - and they like it there! (I covered this in an earlier post about labelling - click on the link to find out more).

So in summary, don't make their problem your problem - ask yourself how it is a problem for you, and then deal with it in the best way to make YOU happy, that may be what they need to inspire them to change and it'll be much less stressful for you in the long run! Be brave. x

Do feel free to share and comment here...

In the last post I talked about one big reason that we stop ourselves from going for what we really want being the fear of failure.... it's pretty common, most people would admit to being worried about some element of failure when putting themselves out there. But here's something I find fascinating - there are some who are equally scared of success.

When I first heard this concept I knew immediately that I was one of them. Why was I constantly getting in my own way of achieving?

The answer lies deep within your core values, and if you have never done an exercise that gets them all out, I'd highly recommend it....you may be surprised! Our values are what drives us, they are often learnt at a young age, and could have been adopted from someone else. 

Many women have a fear of success, because of their perception of success itself.  

Ask yourself, what does success mean to you? Does it mean an abundance of money? Hard work? Motivation? Happiness?
Well, what is your belief around money? Is it the root of all evil, perhaps you think it doesn't buy you happiness? What about happiness? Are you allowing yourself to be happy, or are do you feel bad if you are happy because there are others in your world that are not? Perhaps hard work has other consequences....

So think about what you have to do to get it. Put yourself out there? Take time away from family? Give up a social life (and your search for Mr Right)? Become arrogant and selfish as you climb your way to the top? Hang on, none of these sound that appealing!

A fear of success is an inability to focus all the things that success will really bring for you. So if you think this may be you, I have an exercise for you:

1) Firstly, get very clear about what success does mean to you. Success may have a common status symbol like a house or a Ferrari, but if this isn't your idea of success you need to tell yourself what really is, and be specific! 

2) Next, make a note of the all the other choices that this success will give you.
 
3) Finally, make a list of any consequences that getting this goal will have on other parts of your life.  What positive outcomes are you getting by not achieving this success?

If you have been able to think of any to that last one, then you are getting in your own way and sabotaging your own success.  Go back to the first and second point, what does this look like, make it as real as possible, get excited, and now go back to the last point and figure out if this is really true. For example, will your children really be worse off because you're putting in more hours on something you love and are much happier doing? How can you still spend the same quality time with them and achieve your goal? Who can help? 

Are you really more likely to meet that special someone when you don't consider yourself special enough to be true to you? Why should someone else believe that if you don't? Sticking in a job you hate because it provides a consistent income that pays for your social life may not be the answer. 

And what's with this belief that being confident and focused could mean that other people see you as arrogant? You will always be you, and if you are a kind and caring person, you can maintain that, can you not? And a final word on being selfish (a word with negative connotations, but in my opinion, positive results). 

                    Being selfish is necessary - you only have one life, be brave enough to live it your way.

There is one big thing that stops many of us going for what we want. We might blame money, lack of support, lack of knowledge, time, family… but we’d be lying, to ourselves. One big reason is the fear of failure – behind all the excuses and reasons, isn’t it just easier not to do it, than to put yourself in front of the big fat possibility that we might get rejected?

So you might be forgiven for thinking that the answer to the question ‘how do I avoid failure?’ is simply, don’t do that thing that you would like to do. It’s certainly an easy option isn’t it? Or is it?

Perhaps not, if you then start mentally beating yourself up. That not so little (quite loud and irritating actually) voice in your head going round and round in circles; what if you had done it? What would have happened? Playing out a scene of success and then failure, feeling frustrated, angry at yourself, guilty, embarrassed? Calling yourself stupid or an idiot...is that really the easy option?

So how then, can you avoid failure? The key is in a change of perspective. Next time you are considering doing that thing that you really don’t want to do (but deep down do) the thing that means putting yourself out there in business, going for that promotion or new job, wearing your heart on your sleeve with a potential love interest, and making yourself vulnerable tell yourself this –

1)      There are no mistakes, only lessons.

2)      There is no such thing as failure, only feedback.

Ask yourself, what did I learn, how can I do it differently next time, what is the message here? The more you practice this, the more you will grow, learn and develop, and the less you will experience ‘failure’.

Grab more top tips in the free e-book - especially for you if you THINK you don't know what you want to do (but most likely deep down you do, but admitting it means having to go for it...and that's scary stuff!).

To your success – be brave!

Have you experienced 'failure' then turned it into a positive? Share your stories here....comments and stories -