Ever been in a situation where you have had an argument with a friend, partner, sibling, parent, colleague or even boss, and you are literally feeling incredulous that this person is arguing that 'black is white'? (Visual)
Perhaps within the same argument you are aware that this person doesn't even seem to be understanding what you are saying and it is 'falling on deaf ears'. (Auditory)
Frustrating huh?
Here's the kicker... it's likely that the other person believes exactly the same thing about you. This equals two frustrated people arguing about nothing anyone understands and getting nowhere...fast! What an incredible waste of time and energy.
We all have more dominant ways of taking in information; learning and communicating with our senses so to speak. So let's say your partner prefers a more auditory approach, his language is likely to be using words like 'listen, you're not hearing me.' Perhaps you are more kinesthetic, so you may say 'I feel like you don't care, I'm not comfortable with this.' Which just confuses the hell out of them! What language are you even speaking?? I don't understand what you're on about! Understanding your partner's, or indeed work colleague's, dominant way of taking in information and communicating with others is so important for harmonious and stress-free relationships.
So here are...
The 8 keys to communicating for success:
1) Know the positive outcome that you want
Focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want automatically changes your unconscious language.
2) Believe you can achieve your goal - your unconscious language and behaviour will do the rest
If there is doubt pay attention, write it out until you have identified what that doubt is, or until it is gone.
3) Communicating from a place of negative emotion or limiting belief is not going to get what you want (most likely it will get you exactly what you don't want).
If you feel guilty you are likely to deliver your message defensively. If you know you have nothing to feel guilty about you will need to address where this is coming from i.e are you communicating with someone who is not supporting your self worth, or do you have old learnt guilt that needs to be removed? (See removing negative emotions HERE)
4) Be honest with yourself (and others)
Our story is not always reality. Of course it is our reality, but sometimes you may find yourself telling an old story that you no longer believe. What do you really want? Do you really lack confidence, or was that a younger you? Look for all the evidence that it is not true, rather than trying to back yourself up, and learn to accept yourself for who you are now...then you can be honest, with yourself and others.
5) Be flexible
When you say 'I know' you are cutting off an opportunity to learn. Be flexible with your thoughts and goals, something better could be around the corner. (Editors note: read more about 'I know' HERE)
6) Don't ask 'why' - it gives an excuse to compound belief and justify.
Understand the intention or purpose (yours or the other person's) by asking 'for what purpose?' or 'what is your intention?'
7) Know your differences (Kinesthetic/visual - man/woman - adult/child - cultures)
If we were all the same life would be very boring. Love someone for their different ideas and experiences, accept that people are different. You won't always want to be around those who have very different values to you, and that's OK too...being negative about that or taking it personally will not get you anywhere though.
8) Say 'and' not 'but'
'I know what you're saying but I think I am right' draws attention away from the first part of the sentence allowing the other person only to focus on the fact you think you are right...which will of course enrage them. By saying 'and' you are acknowledging that you understand another person's opinion, and you have a different view.
Perhaps within the same argument you are aware that this person doesn't even seem to be understanding what you are saying and it is 'falling on deaf ears'. (Auditory)
Frustrating huh?
Here's the kicker... it's likely that the other person believes exactly the same thing about you. This equals two frustrated people arguing about nothing anyone understands and getting nowhere...fast! What an incredible waste of time and energy.
We all have more dominant ways of taking in information; learning and communicating with our senses so to speak. So let's say your partner prefers a more auditory approach, his language is likely to be using words like 'listen, you're not hearing me.' Perhaps you are more kinesthetic, so you may say 'I feel like you don't care, I'm not comfortable with this.' Which just confuses the hell out of them! What language are you even speaking?? I don't understand what you're on about! Understanding your partner's, or indeed work colleague's, dominant way of taking in information and communicating with others is so important for harmonious and stress-free relationships.
So here are...
The 8 keys to communicating for success:
1) Know the positive outcome that you want
Focusing on what you want rather than what you don't want automatically changes your unconscious language.
2) Believe you can achieve your goal - your unconscious language and behaviour will do the rest
If there is doubt pay attention, write it out until you have identified what that doubt is, or until it is gone.
3) Communicating from a place of negative emotion or limiting belief is not going to get what you want (most likely it will get you exactly what you don't want).
If you feel guilty you are likely to deliver your message defensively. If you know you have nothing to feel guilty about you will need to address where this is coming from i.e are you communicating with someone who is not supporting your self worth, or do you have old learnt guilt that needs to be removed? (See removing negative emotions HERE)
4) Be honest with yourself (and others)
Our story is not always reality. Of course it is our reality, but sometimes you may find yourself telling an old story that you no longer believe. What do you really want? Do you really lack confidence, or was that a younger you? Look for all the evidence that it is not true, rather than trying to back yourself up, and learn to accept yourself for who you are now...then you can be honest, with yourself and others.
5) Be flexible
When you say 'I know' you are cutting off an opportunity to learn. Be flexible with your thoughts and goals, something better could be around the corner. (Editors note: read more about 'I know' HERE)
6) Don't ask 'why' - it gives an excuse to compound belief and justify.
Understand the intention or purpose (yours or the other person's) by asking 'for what purpose?' or 'what is your intention?'
7) Know your differences (Kinesthetic/visual - man/woman - adult/child - cultures)
If we were all the same life would be very boring. Love someone for their different ideas and experiences, accept that people are different. You won't always want to be around those who have very different values to you, and that's OK too...being negative about that or taking it personally will not get you anywhere though.
8) Say 'and' not 'but'
'I know what you're saying but I think I am right' draws attention away from the first part of the sentence allowing the other person only to focus on the fact you think you are right...which will of course enrage them. By saying 'and' you are acknowledging that you understand another person's opinion, and you have a different view.
Sam Holman is a 'Guru of Brave' and works with women to remove limiting beliefs and negative emotions that create unwanted patterns of behaviour. Sam runs a unique online coaching programme. Book your space here www.breakthroughtoyourbrave.info
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